We are limited to two options only: (check one)
And even if the relationship does not end, he will never feel comfortable because he knows, even if he does not acknowledge it, that she is not accepting him for who he is. "If she really knew who I was, she wouldn't want me to change," or something like that.
And she will never be comfortable either for it is something inside her that is causing her to want him to change. "After all, if he loved me he would change," or something like that.
As a result, there can never be any intimacy between the parties to the relationship.
As a result, there can never be any intimacy between the parties because he is not allowed to be who he is. And if he cannot be who he is, then she cannot be who she is either since she is constantly doing battle within herself about who she is and the reasons she cannot accept who he is. So neither he nor she can ever really connect with the other because neither is being who they are.
But there is also a spiritual reason why we have no choice to change the other person. (And to be politically correct, "the other person" is now called "she.") The individual destinies that brought them together were based upon who each was when they met. If he interferes with her destiny by trying to make her be someone she is not, then he is, at the same time interfering with his own destiny because their two destinies are linked together. They need to find a place of balance and harmony and can only do so when each is free to be who they are, no matter how painful that course of conduct may be.
Of course, the immediate response is that if each remains who they are, then the relationship may break up. But that is choice 2 above. If the relationship dissolves in some form because neither one wanted or was able to change, then that is what the universe wanted for each. Each needed to lose the other in order that each one's destiny could be fulfilled.
Now, this does not mean that either cannot, by their example, offer to the other options to change. If, during the course of the relationship he or she elects to change, based upon the example of the other or for any other reason, then it is because it is his or her destiny to do so. But there is no interference with destiny because the choice to change was voluntarily. In such an instance, it was his or her destiny to meet the other and change themselves because it was a free, harmonious and balanced decision to do so.
We can only lead by example.
© 1995 Ivan Hoffman